Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
You Might Also Like
Morning.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
never deleting this app.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.