Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.