You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Breaking news:
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.