You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”![]()
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
That’s easy for you to say
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{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.