Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Jail
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!