Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
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My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
🤣🤣🤣
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?