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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
At ease
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
It鈥檚 been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn鈥檛 see him
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
if she鈥檚 cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I鈥檓 fckn weak!!!!!! 馃拃
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you鈥檙e bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.