You Might Also Like
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The fall of Netflix
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.