You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
When does CPR become necrophilia?