wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises