I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
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My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated