Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
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What personal space?
My dog
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos