[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
You Might Also Like
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.