Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Your honor these allegations are
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.