Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini