It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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hey, alexa
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.