We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
This kinda thing happens to me often
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!