look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
#Thanos #MondayMood
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
For those that worship cheese..
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…