She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk