I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.