Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
gentlemen, hear me out
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”