[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
He’s dead
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Bro what is this
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?