MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230