I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
🤔😂😂
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“Boo!” — cow with a cold