*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
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time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”