I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.


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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”


What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.


He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.


One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.


Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?


There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.


If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.