I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know
[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster