I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.