Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
![]()
You Might Also Like
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.