I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.