Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Go girl power!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”