Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
ME: Here she comes.
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Teen: Made of wicker?
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?