YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
marvel comics have peaked