superman landing like a plane on his belly
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!