My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
You Might Also Like
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭