My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Just added something to my bucket list.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.