I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Everything reminds me of my ex
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work