Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
You Might Also Like
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!