If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.