Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I think my mom just blocked me
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.