Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.