houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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pep talk
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’m calling the cops.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.