houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.