You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.