I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm