When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
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Seek kebab; not attention
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…