My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Um … Hot Wings please
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I hope it’s French Onion!
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa