The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
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November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me