November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”