Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!