*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
![]()
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples