[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’m sure it’s fine.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.