Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Mornin
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go