“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Birds & Planes.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.