Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.