You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?