A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees