5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes